Arrrg,
Right now I am really really angry at two of my very close friends, who I lived with in Halifax. They have been spreading rumours about me in Halifax. Normally I wouldn’t deign to respond to this bullshit, and I guess I’m not really, because they don’t know about this blog, but i just need to get this anger out because I’m about to burst. So without any further adieu, I present to you a scathing letter, written more eloquently than my usual style, in order to compound my superiority.
Dear Goneril* & Regan*,
I am completely and utterly sick of your bullshit. Even now, three provinces away, I can’t escape your vacuous dramatics.
I have witnessed you turn on your friends countless times, never suspecting that I would suffer the same fate. I feel as if my vilification is slightly worse, however, considering I am no longer around to defend myself. I remember once, a couple years ago, someone called you both flaky alcoholic cunts, a statement I vehemently denied back then. I can now say that I have always secretly agreed with that declaration, except that I would like to add that your drug abuse certainly borders on addiction, no let me rethink that, your drug abuse crosses that border by miles.
I would like to particularly air my grievance when it comes to your ability to be good friends. I, personally, believe that one of the most vital roles of a friend, is to help other friends bypass emotionally difficult moments in their lives, or at the very least to be aware of friend’s difficulties.
This summer, has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Getting into the University of my choice was bitter sweet, considering my departure from Halifax. My parents’ divorce, which is still ongoing, and has snowballed into a huge legal battle, was something else I struggled with this summer. You are most likely completely unaware of these problems, however, because I was hesitant to share after you made it abundantly clear that you would rather suck dick for skittles than listen to my problems, or anyone else’s for that matter.
Finally the dissolution of my relationship was probably the most traumatic event of the summer. As I recall, it was approximately 6 hours after my break-up that you left me, all alone in our house, for 3 days while you went on an exorbitant coke binge. I would like to sarcastically thank you for leaving me emotionally gutted and alone. I would also like to take a moment to mention that just because you don’t pay for cocaine with money, doesn’t mean you’re getting it for free. Bitches.
I would now like to address the gossip you have been spreading to our mutual friends. As I had confided in you in the past, my relationship was quite precious and important to me, considering my inability to commit to monogamy in the past. How dare you try and betray the memory of that relationship by telling people that I was unfaithful. You hetero-normative bitches need to wake the fuck up and realize that people have sex more than once a week, in bed, with the lights off and the sheets over top.
In conclusion, I would just like kindly request that you suck my dick, and never EVER talk to, or about, me again.
Ps. I fucking hate you cunty bitches right now, and I swear to god if this keeps going on I’m going to start telling people your secrets, specifically to do with herpes and the huge amount of cash you don’t have.
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Is it just me, or does it seem like all of my friends are shit? I have proper, kind, nice friends, I promise. Also, I realize I probably come off sounding like a huge cunt in this letter, but it’s only because I’m trying to sound like a huge cunt.
*All names have been changed for dramatic effect.
